Most people in the western world have viewed pornography, and many of them view it regularly, even becoming addicted. Michael Chancellor observed: “porn expands the lust for sex to the point that lust displaces God at the center of one’s life. [...] It elevates itself to be the greatest need. It isolates us from others but most especially from God.”
If one spouse is addicted to porn, this triples the likelihood of adultery, while an “obsessive interest” in porn is cited as a cause in more than half of American divorces. Pornography distorts the purpose of sex and spoils a tender, three-dimensional intimacy between couples.
There is hope for healing, however. How can one spouse respond redemptively when his or her spouse becomes addicted to porn?
Ellen Mary Dykas says that “God invites you to grieve the hurt, the broken trust, and the deep disappointment caused by your [spouse’s] pursuit of pornography.” God invites us to enter this place of deep pain and confusion with him at our sides.
Julie Ganschow explains: “You are in the midst of a trial that has broken the trust you once had [...]. Regardless of what kind of sexual sin he [or she] was involved in, the faith and confidence you once had [...] has been damaged, or, at the worst, destroyed.” Acknowledge whatever is in your heart, even if it is sinful, so you can start to heal.
The suffering you face is also a reminder of your need for the love of God. It is tempting to run from the pain, but that puts up a wall from behind which you fail to discern God’s direction and his tenderness towards you. Apart from him, you might respond to your spouse’s sin with sins of your own. Ask God to walk with you through this ordeal, and “the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus” (Philippians 4:7).
“But I say to you that everyone who looks at a woman with lustful intent has already committed adultery with her in his heart” (Matthew 5:28).
It is not a frivolous reason to be angry and hurt. In the eyes of God, your spouse might as well have slept with someone else, which breaks God’s seventh commandment: “you shall not commit adultery” (Exodus 20:14). This is so important to God that adulterers were put to death (Leviticus 20:10).
Chancellor notes that one’s sexual obsession reduces the other spouse to a one-dimensional figure whose sole purpose is to fulfill a need which should never become a “need” in the first place. “Outside of intimacy, sexual satisfaction has the half-life of a day lily.”
Ephesians 5:33 teaches that “each husband is to love his own wife the same as himself, and the wife must see to it that she respects her husband.” One cannot love as Christ loves by turning his or her spouse into an object, which is also no way to respect that individual. Confronting your spouse about his or her addiction to pornography is not only about expressing how hurt you are: your spouse is caught up in sin.
This is your best friend, and friends care enough about each other to tell them the truth. It is respectful and loving to lead a husband or wife out of bondage and to seek a restored relationship with the Lord.
Even though it feels like your spouse is hurting you most of all, all sin is against God first. Earthly marriage is a picture of the church’s marriage to the Bridegroom, Christ. To break trust with one’s spouse means that one is also breaking trust with Jesus.
Addiction to pornography is also an example of the sin of idolatry whereby a person becomes devoted to a “god” other than the God of the Bible. An addict wants porn more than God, but Exodus 20:4 states “You shall have no other gods before me.”
Dykas suggests that a husband or wife find out if viewing porn was a short-lived matter of curiosity or a deep-seated problem requiring pastoral involvement. Lots of people glance at pornography periodically. It is a sin to explore the magazine in front of you, but not necessarily an addiction.
Hard as it is, ask how often your spouse looks at images and watches videos of this nature. Ask your spouse if he or she understands the need for repentance, that looking at pornography is a sin. Guide your spouse towards confessions and repentance. God forgives those who are truly repentant: “godly grief produces a repentance that leads to salvation” (2 Corinthias 7:10). Those who genuinely repent will receive God’s mercy and help.
It takes time to restore that trust if it is going to be restored at all. Hold onto hope, but be reasonable. Ganschow affirms the difficulty with trust in such a situation. Ganschow explains that “because deception is such an integral aspect of sexual sin, the temptation is to disbelieve everything your [spouse] tells you.”
But you cannot stay in the marriage and consistently fail to trust, even when there is no longer evidence of a trespass. “You may not realize it, but each time you do not accept his words as truth you are accusing him of being a liar.” Ganschow counsels couples to trust God for discernment and remember that, above all, God is the one offended here. Deception is a sin against him first; so, for the sake of his glory, he will expose lies.
Trust can be earned back if one truly forgives and the other party really repents. We love and submit to a powerful God, one who can do miraculous things with our hearts if we submit them to his sanctifying power. Hardening one’s heart against the offender is a sinful and counterproductive response to pain. However, if the other party fails to earn trust, offer forgiveness while maintaining healthy boundaries.
What do healthy boundaries look like for a spouse who has been devastated by pornography? You will probably not engage in sex for a time, simply because of how vulnerable and hurt you feel. Do not withhold sex forever, but give yourself time. You both need patience and support.
Build some new checkpoints into the relationship for a time. Your spouse will come home right after work; hang out only with a trusted mentor as per some previous arrangement; leave his or her cell phone and other devices with you overnight, unlocked for you to view its history. He or she might want to be affectionate, but assert your need for distance until you stop feeling uncomfortable at his or her touch. If your spouse submits to these boundaries honorably, honor the change.
“It is not biblical for you to continually disbelieve your husband if you have agreed to remain in the marriage and have determined to forgive him. You must understand that the more you tell yourself that he is untrustworthy, the more convinced you will be that it is still true,” Ganschow writes. Moreover, since God is powerful and has offered both of you a place of refuge and healing, it would be sinful to continually mistrust that God can and does heal. He might not do it, but if the evidence is in front of you, believe it.
“And God raised the Lord and will also raise us up by his power” (1 Corinthians 6:14).
Dykas recommends that you find a discrete and loving community to support you both. “You need a trusted friend or spiritual leader walking with you. Many wives wrongly believe that submission and respect mean keeping their husband’s sin private. [...] a small group of godly and trustworthy friends are a precious comfort and help to your soul. A healthy church will look at you and say, ’I am my sister’s [or brother’s] keeper.’”
You might want to hide the problem so as to protect yourself and your spouse from rumors and shame. Or, it could be tempting to share indiscriminately because it hurts so much and you long to have your feelings validated. But remember that Jesus wept with Mary and Martha at Lazarus’ tomb; and he endured affliction so that we could say “we do not have a great High Priest who cannot sympathize” (Hebrews 4:15). He is your comfort, meaning you do not have to receive it from countless sympathetic listeners, but also he expects us to look to him for comfort.
Says Elizabeth Laing Thompson, “even if He knows better days are coming, [Jesus] hurts with us today — right here, right now. [...] He meets us in our present-tense pain — stands with us, weeps with us, mourns with us. Because our pain is real, and our pain is His pain.” In fact because of the Trinity, we belong to a community without having to try. We belong to the Father, Son, and Holy Spirit. God also works through people, so ask your pastor to either provide counsel or recommend biblical counselors skilled in speaking to this problem.
Remember Peter on the water in Matthew 14, where he walks out to meet Jesus and believes that Christ is more powerful than the elements; that he has the power to command a person to do something impossible and yet accomplish it by faith. Then Peter is distracted by the wind and forgets Jesus’ power. This account tells us a number of things pertinent to a pornography addiction:
1. We have to keep our eyes on Jesus when we want to overcome something that seems impossible. Once we take our eyes off of him, we become vulnerable. He is the source of our strength.
2. Salvation does not prevent us from sinking and hurting. God loves us, but he also gives us free will to make mistakes that hurt others. Make no major decisions right now that could cause irrevocable damage.
3. Prioritize. The wind came up and stole Peter’s focus, causing him to forget what (or who) was important - Jesus. He is your strength, so let him help you discern each step one at a time. Protect any children from exposure to pornography, and find godly support for any mental health concerns.
At first it seems as though reconciling with a porn addict is like walking on water. “But he said to me, ‘My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.’ Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me” (2 Corinthians 12:9).
Tell your spouse what his or her pornography addiction has cost you - what it will cost if the addiction persists. You want to bring it out into the light, encouraging honesty and offering support.
Meanwhile, use this as a time to reflect on your own ways of seeking comfort and how those could be idols in your life. No matter what those are, they do not excuse the issue at hand, but they can help you to stay humble and remember that we all fight a terrible war against our sin. But the Lord is fighting for both of you.
“Fear not, stand firm, and see the salvation of the Lord, which he will work for you today” (Exodus 14:13).
He is a cross pendant.
He is engraved with a unique Number.
He will mail it out from Jerusalem.
He will be sent to your Side.
Emmanuel
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