Let’s be honest, when you think of church, the last word you want to associate it with is disappointment. Yet we know that our pews are filled with people who have been disappointed and hurt by the church – or more specifically members of the church.
The one thing I don’t want to do is make light of these disappointments because they are real. And honestly speaking, there is no hurt like church hurt. The reason church disappointment hurts so much is because it is often unexpected and usually catches you off guard. There are certain things you expect to happen outside of church, however when they happen inside church the disappointment and hurt is greater and far more damaging.
That’s why I want to speak to the victims – the ones who are on the receiving end. Because the recovery is most often difficult, and some people never recover. With this in mind, I want to offer you four things to do when the church disappoints you.
There is an expression that says you don’t throw the baby out with the bath water, yet church hurt can cause you to do just that. You can give up on the whole thing, walk away and never come back. In essence, you have thrown out the baby with the bath water.
The first thing I would encourage you to do is to identify who or what disappointed you. Many times, because of the pain, we take the actions of a few and apply them to the group as a whole. It could be one person that hurt or disappointed you, but instead of identifying the individual you blame the whole organization.
However, there may be times when this is justified, especially if the organization covers the person who has caused the harm. That’s why it’s important to identify the root of the disappointment. This is not necessarily going to make you feel better, but it will allow you to focus your attention appropriately. As difficult as it may be, don’t blame the group for the actions of one or a few, unless the entire group is at fault.
When disappointment happens, I encourage you to confront the disappointment – but only if it’s appropriate. There are times when it is appropriate to confront the hurt and there are times when the wound is too deep to heal in that environment. If that happens, the only remedy may be to leave that situation and find another place to worship.
I am a parent of two kids and one has special needs. Because of my son’s special needs, he may not always be quiet and still in church when he is supposed to be. One Sunday the pastor of the church we were attending read a letter in front of the congregation from someone who visited the church. They said the church was nice but the noisy kids in the sanctuary were a distraction. At that time, there were only two kids in the sanctuary; they were both mine.
The pain that he caused by reading that letter created a disappointment that we couldn’t recover from. Needless to say, we left that church not too long after that. We made a decision, prayerfully I might add, that if our kids were that bothersome then we were not in the right place. I share this story to let you know that you have to decide whether or not to confront the disappointment or acknowledge that maybe you are in the wrong place. The key is to make sure you get to your decision prayerfully, not emotionally.
One thing to point out is that the disappointment we experienced in that one church didn’t cause us to sour on church altogether. We recognized that specific church wasn’t the right place for our family; it didn’t mean all churches were not right for our family. We have since gone on to find a church that meets all our needs and even has a special needs ministry for our son. So again, I remind you, don’t throw the baby out with the bath water.
As you are prayerfully considering what to do, you may discover that the worst thing to do in your situation is to run from it. Sometimes this is what your enemy Satan wants you to do. That’s why you must react prayerfully and not emotionally. Satan can use the disappointment to create discouragement and if that really sets in it can lead to premature departure. That’s why you need to ask God, do you want me to confront this or is it time to leave? If you do decide to confront the disappointment, here is a Scriptural guideline of how to do it:
“If another believer sins against you, go privately and point out the offense. If the other person listens and confesses it, you have won that person back. But if you are unsuccessful, take one or two others with you and go back again, so that everything you say may be confirmed by two or three witnesses. If the person still refuses to listen, take your case to the church. Then if he or she won’t accept the church’s decision, treat that person as a pagan or a corrupt tax collector” (Matthew 18:15-17).
As real and painful as church hurt can be, harboring unforgiveness can have far worse consequences. That’s why regardless of who hurt you and what they have done you must ask God for the grace to forgive. This will ruin you if you don’t.
I know of people who have experienced church hurt and have allowed their unforgiveness to devastate their relationships with God and with other people. By the way, this is a page right out of the enemy’s playbook. Anything that drives a wedge, creates a division, or separates you from the body of Christ is motivated from the enemy. Unforgiveness will certainly do this to you. It will take you on a ride and drop you off in a place of isolation. When you are isolated, you are vulnerable.
The reason why forgiveness is so challenging is because it feels like you are excusing the behavior and not getting complete satisfaction or vindication. You must understand forgiveness is not about obtaining your vindication. Forgiveness is about securing your freedom. If you don’t forgive you will be forever imprisoned by the hurt and disappointment that was done to you. This disappointment will in effect turn into a life sentence. It can have far greater repercussions than you could ever imagine, that’s why you must ask God for the grace to forgive. I am not saying this will be easy but it will be necessary if you ever want to escape the prison of disappointment.
“Then Peter came to Jesus and asked, ‘Lord, how many times shall I forgive my brother or sister who sins against me? Up to seven times?’ Jesus answered, ‘I tell you, not seven times, but seventy-seven times’” (Matthew 18:21-22).
There used to be these bracelets that were very popular for a while, WWJD. What Would Jesus Do? This is so essential to remember when you face disappointment. When you consider this question ask it in the right framework.
Here is what I mean: what would Jesus do if I disappointed him? There is not one person on the face of this earth who can say they have never disappointed God. What did God do when you did that? How did he treat you? This is what you must remember when someone disappoints you.
I must admit the natural inclination is to justify the pain and not treat them as Jesus would. In the long run, that ends up hurting you more than the ones who have disappointed you. Remember these words:
“Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity” (Colossians 3:13-14, emphasis added).
“This is love: not that we loved God, but that he loved us and sent his Son as an atoning sacrifice for our sins. Dear friends, since God so loved us, we also ought to love one another” (1 John 4:10-11, emphasis added).
“Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers over a multitude of sins” (1 Peter 4:8).
When you are disappointed, I pray that you would remind yourself of the great love God has showered on you and the many sins of yours that God has forgiven. It doesn’t make the pain easier but it gives you the right perspective to deal with it.
I know disappointment is not an easy topic to deal with. In fact, the only way to remove all potential disappointment is to remove all expectations. That’s not very realistic. The best way forward is to recognize the potential to disappoint lives within you and everyone else you are around, yes even in the church.
After all the church is just a group of imperfect men and women trying to fulfill a perfect mission. You and I are included in that mix. Let’s recognize that the reality of disappointment exists, but let’s deal with it in the most appropriate manner. If we do that then what has the potential to destroy can be the foundation for God doing something great.
Disappointments, as difficult as they may be, don’t have to crush you. God has an overwhelming abundance of grace to carry you through even the most challenging of disappointments. I pray today you would find the help you need at the throne of grace.
“Let us then approach God’s throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need” (Hebrew 4:16).
He is a cross pendant.
He is engraved with a unique Number.
He will mail it out from Jerusalem.
He will be sent to your Side.
Emmanuel
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