“The Lord God said, ‘It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him’” (Genesis 2:18).
We humans were made for relationship. In fact, our destination is usually tied to the relationships we develop in life. I would argue that – contrary to popular belief and hundreds of motivational books – we need other people to reach our full potential. In the words of George Matthew Adams, there is no such thing as a “self-made man.”
“…We are made up of thousands of others. Everyone who has ever done a kind deed for us, or spoken one word of encouragement to us, has entered into the make-up of our character and of our thoughts, as well as our success.” - George Matthew Adams
Behind every story of success are the many people who have contributed along the way to make it happen:
- The maker of the special running shoes worn by Roger Bannister, who broke the 4-minute mile
- The flight instructors who taught Amelia Earhart how to fly solo across the Atlantic Ocean
- The hiring director who gave national TV host Oprah Winfrey her first shot on talk radio
Clearly, God designed us to be in relationship with others. But the devil tries to use relationships to derail us from our destiny.
“Do not be deceived: ‘Evil company corrupts good habits’” (1 Corinthians 15:33).
The issue for us must then be to develop the best relationships we can, and fight for those good ones that may experience challenges along the way.
One of the most well-known research studies on health and longevity is the Alameda County Study, a longitudinal study looking at the connection between one’s lifespan and lifestyle choices. They tracked the lives of several thousand people in Alameda County, California over many years. Among other things, they discovered the importance of interpersonal, social connection to one’s health and longevity, as a core human need.
For example, the most isolated people were three times more likely to die than the most relationally connected people. People who had bad health habits (smoking, poor eating patterns, obesity, alcohol use and so on), but strong relational connections, lived significantly longer than people who had great health habits but were isolated.
People with stronger emotional connections (deeper relationships) did four times better fighting off illness than those who were more isolated. Those with stronger relational connections were less susceptible to colds, and produced significantly less mucous than relationally unconnected subjects!
In other words, as the saying goes, they found it’s better to eat Twinkies with good friends than to eat broccoli alone!
God created and designed you. He deposited in you the exact gifts, talents and abilities that you need to have in order to fulfill your destiny. More than anything, this fact demonstrates we are not self-made: we are God-made, God-equipped, and God-designed.
But we also know the fulfillment of our destiny is tied to partnerships with other people. For example, Adam needed Eve, Abraham needed Sarah, and David needed Jonathan. Elisha needed Elijah, Paul needed Barnabas, and even Jesus needed His disciples.
Today it’s no different: bosses need employees, champion athletes need teammates, children need parents, and businesses need customers.
Good relationships are a God-send that will assist us in reaching our destiny. But a bad relationship is quite often destructive. David and Bathsheba, Samson and Delilah, and Cain and Abel come to mind.
The company we routinely keep is more important than most people realize. As the saying goes, show me who your friends are, and I’ll tell you who you are. Relationships can either make us or break us.
So when we find a certain relationship in peril, how can we know if it’s a beneficial relationship worth time, energy and attention, or a detrimental relationship that is better off abandoned? That is, how can we know whether we should we repair it or remove it?
Ask yourself some basic questions. Does this relationship suck the time, energy and resources out of me, or is there reciprocity of benefit? When I’m around this person, am I being driven or helped toward my destiny? Am I motivated by them, helped by them, replenished by them, spurred on to love and good works by them, challenged to greater moral or godly “high ground”? Am I inspired to dream more and have greater faith?
Am I affirmed and properly loved, or do they bring out the worst in me? When I’m around them do I feel agitated, anxious, attacked and losing my identity? Am I losing the vision of my path in life, spiraling downward away from God, instead of moving onward and upward?
Do they bring out the best in me, or tear down my relationship with Christ? Does my conscience prick me simply by being in their presence?
Is it a relationship of destiny or insanity?
It’s not always easy to walk away from destructive relationships, but let me assure you, the short-term pain is worth the long-term gain. In the same measure, right relationships may suffer from serious damage and require a tremendous amount of work, but they are worth saving.
As we know, Jesus had 12 main disciples whom He trained for ministry. But Peter, James and John were apparently considered His “inner circle,” and they were allowed greater access to witness Jesus’ personal trials and triumphs (Matthew 26:36-46; Matthew 17:1-9; Mark 5:21-43).
Peter was a follower of Jesus’ ministry from the beginning, after going to see this rabbi his brother Andrew spoke about. Peter left his fishing boat and nets, put his business on hold, and went “all in” to follow Jesus.
He watched Jesus open blind eyes, unstop deaf ears, heal the lame, walk on water, calm storms, and feed thousands with a little boy’s lunch. Jesus appeared invincible – the Messiah from God the Jews were anticipating for thousands of years. But suddenly, difficult circumstances arose that Peter didn’t understand and had never expected.
Even when Jesus spoke plainly at the Last Supper, Peter didn’t grasp it, and actually rebuffed Jesus for His words (Matthew 16:21-22). And then he foolishly lashed out with a sword at Malchus, the servant of the High Priest, sent to arrest Jesus.
Jesus was taken captive, and before Peter’s eyes, He was whipped and beaten by the Roman guards. As His crucifixion became inevitable, Peter’s world must have come crashing down. He must have begun to doubt everything he believed. Was Jesus really the expected Savior? The Messiah prophesied from old? Should he have given up everything for a man apparently powerless before the Sanhedrin and the Romans? How could Jesus, who did those amazing miracles, now be made helpless at the hands of mere men?
And when the servant girl asked, Are you one of His disciples? Peter crumbled. Three separate times, he denied even knowing Jesus.
Overnight, it became a right relationship in desperate need of repair.
After Jesus’ arrest, Peter found himself alone in hostile territory and in fear for his life. Under such pressure, he did not do what he would have wanted to do, or what he had planned to do. Instead, he denied knowing his best friend, not once or twice, but three times.
Peter didn’t know how to cope under these new circumstances: Jesus being accused, beaten, and not defending Himself. It put new and unusual pressure on this critical, God-inspired, normally healthy, “destiny” relationship. And by his denial, the relationship became fractured and in need of repair.
The enemy tries to destroy our most important relationships, especially those important to achieving our destiny. But a “destiny relationship,” especially, is worth fighting for.
What if this relationship between Peter and Jesus would not have been repaired? We would have missed out on the apostolic ministry of one of the founding fathers of the Christian Church.
Don’t let the enemy short circuit worthwhile relationships. If God set it up and God sanctions it, then fight to repair it. Even if that means you must overcome the wall of shame.
“And the Lord turned and looked at Peter. Then Peter remembered the word of the Lord, how He had said to him, ‘Before the rooster crows, you will deny Me three times.’ So Peter went out and wept bitterly” (Luke 22:61-62).
The word “wept” describes those who mourn for the dead; it’s a sign of pain or grief. In other words, it’s a violent, unconsolable, heart-rending and overwhelming pain. Peter was filled with bitter shame for forsaking his friend and Messiah. And because of it, Peter walked away from the ministry with his faith in shambles.
Shame is often what shuts off a good relationship from being repaired.
I can’t believe what I did!
I can’t believe I said that!
I don’t know what got into me!
I can’t face them ever again!
There is no use in trying!
I went too far!
Peter must have been hearing that sound track of shame from the enemy. You are not the rock; you didn’t stand strong when your Savior needed you. You folded like a cheap blanket. You said you would stand and fight till the death, but you are all talk and no action. He needed you and you deserted Him!
There is a big difference between godly guilt and shame. Godly guilt says I did something wrong. Shame says I am wrong.
Shame is the condemning voice of the Accuser, but godly guilt is a gift from our Advocate – the conviction of the Holy Spirit.
Condemnation keeps us separated from God and our most important relationships because of a wall of shame. And if that wall of shame is not struck down, it will shipwreck what God ordained to further us toward our destiny.
But the Advocate convicts and gives us the courage to acknowledge our wrongs and ask for forgiveness, so that we can overcome the wall of shame.
“Do not be alarmed. You seek Jesus of Nazareth, who was crucified. He is risen! He is not here. See the place where they laid Him. But go, tell His disciples — and Peter” (Mark 16:6-7).
Jesus gives us an example of how to overcome the wall of shame and repair a broken relationship – someone must make the first move! And here is what God has always told me about relationship repair – the one who initiates the reconciliation is acting the most like Christ!
Not only did Jesus make the first move by sending a message of hope to Peter, He then went to meet with Peter in person. The disciples had been fishing all night and caught nothing, just like in the beginning.
“As the sun was rising, Jesus stood at the water's edge, but the disciples did not know that it was Jesus. Then he asked them, ‘Young men, haven't you caught anything?’ ‘Not a thing,’ they answered. He said to them, ‘Throw your net out on the right side of the boat, and you will catch some.’ So they threw the net out and could not pull it back in, because they had caught so many fish” (John 21:4-6).
What was that about? It’s as if Jesus said, okay Peter, let’s start over, because this relationship is worth repairing.
When you recognize a destiny relationship has been damaged, whether it’s actually your fault or someone else’s, be the one who makes the first move toward reconciliation! We must recognize the enemy will try to derail our destiny with a wall of shame. Our responsibility is to tear it down, for our own good!
Source
Berkman, L. F.; Syme, S. L. (1979)."Social networks, host resistance, and mortality: a nine-year follow-up study of Alameda County residents". Am J Epidemiol. 109(2):186–204. doi:10.1093/oxfordjournals.aje.a112674. PMID 425958.
Frank Santora is Lead Pastor of Faith Church, a multi-site church with locations in Connecticut and New York. Pastor Frank hosts a weekly television show, “Destined to Win,” which airs weekly on the Hillsong Channel and TBN. He has authored thirteen books, including the most recent, Modern Day Psalms and Good Good Father. To learn more about Pastor Frank and this ministry, please visit www.franksantora.cc. Photo by Michele Roman.
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