We’ve all seen conflict handled poorly at some point. When someone has wronged us in some way, the worldly mindset is to “vent” about them to others, hoping that by saying your issues out loud to someone, they will agree and take your side in the matter.
Sadly, handling grievances in this way is also prevalent in the church, sometimes disguised as “prayer requests” or gossip. Usually, we believe we are the more correct one in this matter. This approach doesn’t allow the offending person to see what they have done wrong and to becomes right with God again, it just allows us to feel superior.
However, when we have a problem with someone, a grievance, the Lord wants us to address this issue with the person face to face, not by gossiping with others. Jesus even told this truth to the disciples in the book of Matthew:
“Moreover if your brother sins against you, go and tell him his fault between you and him alone. If he hears you, you have gained your brother. But if he will not hear, take with you one or two more, that ‘by the mouth of two or three witnesses every word may be established.’ And if he refuses to hear them, tell it to the church. But if he refuses even to hear the church, let him be to you like a heathen and a tax collector” (Matthew 18:15-17).
The hope is that through this act of biblical correction, one can not only return to a peaceful relationship with the offended person, but also to follow the path of Jesus again, living out their days for the Lord.
How do we go about handling grievances God’s way instead of our own? First, it’s about getting an idea of what biblical correction is, which leads into actions explained in verses like Matthew 18:15-17 and many others. Next, we learn how we can implement this biblical insight to take the proper steps with those who have wronged us.
Merriam-Webster Dictionary describes correction in general as “the action or an instance of correcting.” It is considered an amendment, rebuke/punishment, counteraction, and “something substituted in place of what is wrong.” In other words, it provides a better way to do something.
This is in response to a grievance, which is, according to Merriam-Webster, “a cause of distress felt to afford reason for complaint or resistance.”
Biblical correction is the use of correction to help a person who has drifted from what the Bible instructs, showing the person that what they are doing doesn’t line up with what God says is correct in His Word.
As believers, we are led by the Holy Spirit to notice when our brothers and sisters in Christ are not following the Bible’s principles as they should, and to guide them to change and follow God again. In no way is this criticizing a person for the wrong they have done and boastfully telling them what we think the right step is; it is instead pointing them back to the Bible so God’s instruction can lead them back to the right path.
Jesus encouraged the disciples to go to an individual personally to discuss an issue. “Go and tell him his fault between you and him alone” (Matthew 18:15). Here, Jesus is saying we should tell the person what wrong they have done in a humble – not prideful – manner, encouraging them to see that this wrong has hurt you and others and it needs to change.
If the person who has offended listens to what you share and decides to make the change, then the person is once again your brother or sister in Christ. However, if they don’t see the wrong done, and become combative or indifferent, Jesus advises to bring one or two more people to talk to the person again. “But if he will not hear, take with you one or two more, that ‘by the mouth of two or three witnesses every word may be established’” (Matthew 18:16).
This is in no way to put pressure on this person to do what you feel is right, but to let them know that others are concerned by what has been done and believe change is in order. Before meeting with the person, you and those who are confronting them should see this as a peaceful and humble discussion between adults, not the opportunity to make this person feel they aren’t worthy of God’s love and guidance.
If the person still refuses to listen or change after your second meeting with them, then Jesus instructs you to share your concerns with the congregation and have the church address this issue. “And if he refuses to hear them, tell it to the church” (Matthew 18:17a). If all else fails, Jesus then says that we are to leave this person to their own wrongdoings, as it shows the voice of reason, especially from God’s people, will not sway them toward the right path (Matthew 18:17b).
So, how would we handle a grievance today using Jesus’ advice from centuries ago? Well, let’s say for example that you have learned a church member is a secret gambler and you are concerned not only for the person but also the person’s family and friends (you being one of them). Their gambling could be affecting their job, the stability of their family, and even whether they are seeking financial help from friends like you.
Instead of what many people commonly do, which is gossip or “vent” about it to others, your first step as a concerned fellow believer is to confront them face to face in a gentle but firm way. You could start the conversation by saying you know they are gambling secretly, and it is affecting their livelihood and that of their family. Encourage them to see they can break from this harmful habit by reacquainting themselves with God’s teachings on gambling from the Bible and that you are here to help and support them in any way.
If the gambling person says they have their habit under control and it isn’t hurting anyone, or, worse, wants to pick a fight with you about it, then you should move on to the next step. Hopefully more people voicing their concerns will help.
For this next confrontation, it could help to have a respected elder of the church as part of the discussion, or maybe trusted friends or family members. Since the person didn’t listen to what you had to say about the gambling habit, allow other people to share their feelings on the situation in hopes that the person will become aware of their need to change.
Sadly, if this approach doesn’t prompt them to seek help with their gambling addiction, then you should meet with the pastor to discuss how the church can talk to the person about their gambling habit. Maybe knowing the pastor’s concerns about this situation could inspire the person to change for the better.
If all three attempts to encourage the person to change don’t work, then Jesus says to leave them to their own devices, which is letting them continue to gamble while setting boundaries to protect yourself and others from the harm the person continue to inflict.
Dealing with grievances with others shouldn’t be done as the world does it, with whispers behind the backs of others and gossip cloaked as prayer requests. If we have an issue with someone, Jesus tells us that we should go to the person and discuss the issue with them, praying that breakthrough and change will occur.
Whether the person makes the change or not, what is most important is showing the person Jesus’ love and guiding them back to the Bible. Believe that they can and will return to God in a restored relationship. You can’t change the person, but showing God’s love opens the door to needed change.
Blair Parke is a freelance writer for BibleStudyTools.com and freelance book editor who wrote her first book, "Empty Hands Made Full," in 2021 about her journey through infertility with her husband. She previously worked for eight years with Xulon Press as an editor. A graduate of Stetson University with a bachelor's in communications, Blair previously worked as a writer/editor for several local magazines in the Central Florida area, including Celebration Independent and Lake Magazine and currently writes for the Southwest Orlando Bulletin. She's usually found with a book in her hand or enjoying quality time with her husband Jeremy and dog Molly. You can order her book at Christian Author Bookstore - Xulon Press Publishing and visit her website at Parkeplaceediting.
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